Today I will be eating and reviewing Wattie's Sweet & Sour Pork (250g). At $3.49 it's not a bad price for the portion size - but I'll reserve judgment until I have tasted it.

Tender pork pieces and vegetables in a sweet & sour sauce

Ignoring that pineapple is a fruit, not a vegetable, we see here again that word "tender". In my experience it's usually a bit of a misnomer, but given Wattie's higher calibre as regards snack foods the description may actually be accurate. (The back of the box informs me that "We've enjoyed sharing so many meals with you over the last 70 years". Of course they have!)

Uncooked - the meal inside the container is half white rice (looks fluffy) and half red glistening vomitty looking stuff. Cooking time is the standard 5 minutes with a 2 minute standing period.

I'm starting to run out of these.. I'm sure there would be an impending lawsuit if anyone actually read this stupid blog

The meal sat in the microwave for about 30 minutes after cooking due to an influx of customers. I've literally lost the will to write this review... but I guess I've come too far to stop! Nuking twice...

Is the pork tender? I don't know anymore. It's not chewy, and it tastes good - close enough. The sauce is balanced fairly well, not too sweet like some can be. The rice is a little sticky but otherwise passable. As I eat more I realise that I'm actually really enjoying the taste of the pork, despite being microwaved. That by itself is enough for me to declare this meal a winner!

Final Verdict:

As a microwave meal: 8/10

As an actual meal: 6/10

Funny closing statement.

DAY 7

Should this message reach anyone, I want them to know that it was my fault. All the others are dead - Carlson, Velasquez, Snoop, Hsung - and it's my fault. If I hadn't eaten that Signature Range macaroni they'd still be alive. We were right in macaroni territory... I should have known... I should have...

What more can I do to atone than to eat another variant of macaroni? By eating as many of those macaroni bastards as possible perhaps I can offer their souls some small recompense for my cutting short their sojourn on earth. 

I approached a small village on the outskirts of the macaroni capital. A sign on the village gate read "Macaroni with creamy cheese sauce & a light sprinkling of paprika". This place went by the name of Wattie's, and it would be here that I would finally show the macaroni people their place in the world. 

Heartless sons of bitches

Suspecting nothing, the chief of the village led me inside. In true hospitable macaroni style, they informed me that it would take 5 minutes for the village to prepare for the welcoming celebration. I waited eagerly with fork in hand...

The time has come. The villagers are rounded up in the village center, about to begin their welcoming festivities. I descend upon them like an avenging angel, impaling them upon my fork and shovelling them into my gaping maw. The streets of the once peaceful village run yellow with cheese sauce and the wails of the macaroni people are quickly smothered by the loud slurps as I pile them down my gullet. 

Shirtless, rent with wounds from weeks of combat, and smeared in my own blood mixed with cheese sauce I roar my defiance to the Gods above!

Final Verdict:

 As a microwave meal: 7.5/10

As an actual meal: 6/10

Day 2:

The worst of the snack attack is over. Another faction of macaroni approached our camp under the banner of "Signature Range". They came bearing a larger portion size for around the same price. "What is this?" one of our pluckier recruits asked.

"Macaroni cheese finished with a seasoned, cheese crumb".

 With that, I removed the package from the box. Inside the plastic tray dish was a frozen puddle of beige matter, topped with crumbs, grated cheese and sprinkles of some unknown condiment. After thanking our new macaroni benefactors I hastened to the microwave to cook our new bounty. 

5 minutes cooking, 1 minute standing then another 2 minutes cooking. Our boys grumbled a bit, as they were used to 5 minute cooking times, but we weren't in a position to be scrupulous. 

The wait was tense. We kept expecting another snack attack but it never came. Jules nearly cracked under the pressure - I had to put a bullet in his skull before his madness spread to the others. 

Finally, the long awaited klaxon signalled that the cooking was complete. The scent of ersatz cheese permeated the bunker. Nodding silently to our new-found macaroni friends I tucked into the meal they had generously constructed for us from their fallen brethren. 

The macaronis were not quite al dente, but not as soft as those we had faced in the snack attack the day before. So this is how the Signature Rangers overcame their foe. The cheese sauce tastied cheesier, and the cheesey crumb crust on the top only added to the delight my tastebuds were now experiencing. One of the men fainted seeing me dine on those who had until recently been our enemy. 

I finish this latest entry with hope in my heart. The Signature Rangers have shown me that for a similar price to the Snack Attack, I could have a larger amount of macaroni with a decidedly superior sauce and bite to it. We would repel the McCain's Snack Attack if it reared it's head again. With our newfound allies, it seemed anything was possible.

Final Verdict

As a microwave meal: 7/10

As an actual meal: 6/10

"Battlestations"

6 minutes and counting until the snack attack... Hold the line men... 5 minutes... Hold it, hold iiiit...

2 minutes... YOU WILL HOLD THE LINE...

*beep beep beep*

"Al dente macaroni covered ina creamy cheese sauce, topped with cheddar cheese and paprika".

Oh god... the horror... they're everywhere... there's nothing we can *GLCHHFFLFLKKK*

<END FEED>

6/10

 

Wattie's Big N' Hearty Soup - Vegetables, Pasta & Beef. 99% Fat free (or 1% fat, if you're a glass half empty kinda guy like me). Serving size 430g, price FREE because some FOOL left it in the work pantry.

I don't see any heart in the ingredients, but listed is beef so maybe heart is just included under that catch all term. I take the lid off the container to look at the meal before cooking - it's brown and that's about all I can make out. 2 serves of veges per pack, great. It comes in a convenient plastic bowl so I don't have to do any dishes (apart from the fork). Let's get this thing in the microwave.

Cooking time is a mere 2 minutes, bucking the trend of 5 minute cooking times!

Wattie's Big N Hearty Soup obviously doesn't conform to the 5 minute standard cooking time for microwave meals. "Screw the system!", it seems to say as it revolves on the microwave plate.

Ok, digression over. Time to eat. I'm writing this sentence in an empty store on a fairly quiet day. Let's see what happens when I put fork to lips.....

No customers! It's amazing, I can eat my meal in peace. However, I now know that eating soup with a fork is HARD. 

It's tasty and rich - very savoury. I'm not clued up enough on the language of cuisine so I don't really know how to describe it. "Beefy" comes to mind. It's fairly salty, savoury... I can taste onions, a hint of ginger. The vegetables and pasta are all of decent quality and consistency. A bit scarce on the meat. In fact, the picture on the container is slightly misleading - it presents a picture of generous chunks of beef floating amidst a sea of vegetables and pasta spiral. In reality it's more like a token portion of beef lost in a sea of gravy with an ok amount of vegetables. 

Alas, Wattie's, I fear that this meal is not living up to it's epithet as it is neither very big nor hearty. That aside, it is still enjoyable and delicious. The flavours complement each other well and it almost does taste like a homemade soup (albeit on the stingey side).

Final Verdict:

As a microwave meal: 7/10

As an actual meal: 5/10

Let's cut to the chase here.

"Crisp Asian-inspired vegetables, long grain rice and marinated chicken pieces in a deliciously rich honey soy sauce"

Bla bla ... something about how can vegetables be inspired... bla bla... asia is a big place... bla bla bla bla... like saying "white man food"... bla bla bla... 

Cooking time 5 minutes. Detecting a pattern yet? I can't describe what it looks like because the meal is cooked inside the opaque bag. Probably for the best, then.

 

Ah Wattie's. The king of frozen meals (in New Zealand at least) ... unless I'm missing out on something. I happily admit that they are the yardstick against which I measure all other microwave meals. Truly masters of their craft - especially compared to Dakshin's. Speaking of which, my flatmate ate my microwave Dakshin's Thai Green Curry with Chicken the other day.. He said it was one of the worst things he had ever eaten, but that surprisingly the peas and the rice were ok. The chicken was like shredded jellymeat, and it smelt like someone had drank a litre of coconut milk and then thrown it up again. I won't be reviewing that one, ever.

Anyways, where was I. Oh, wait a second. The law has come into force - no customers for 45 minutes until the very moment I sit down to enjoy my meal. You know what, I don't care I'm going to continue eating and reviewing. 

The rice is delicious, cooking in the bag steamed it to perfection and the honey soy sauce has permeated each grain so that it bursts with flavour every bite. The carrots, baby corn and broccoli taste fairly fresh and again are cooked to my liking and infused with flavour. The sauce itself is bombastic and rich, fairly generic flavours but it does the job well. This is the first microwave meal I've had where the chicken was actually tender, but Wattie's are humble enough to not proclaim such on the packaging. My only gripe is that some of the chicken pieces have a little fat on them, or veins. 

As far as microwave foods go, this is the cream of the crop. The cooking process results in a nicely steamed dish with the tasty sauce permeating the rest of the ingredients. Well done Wattie's, you have the approval of an anonymous unpopular food-blogger who knows next to nothing of food critiquing or fine cuisine.

Final Verdict:

As a microwave meal : 9/10

As an actual meal: 6/10

 

Adding further confusion to the snack/meal distinction, we have today "SuperSnack Beef Lasagne". Supersnack... so, a meal? I don't know.

"Is it a bird? Is it a plane? .. .etc"

"A tasty combination of minced beef and pasta topped with a delicious cheese sauce". 250gm, standard price - nothing special so far to distinguish it from the previous 2 micro-lasagnes I've had the pleasure of reviewing. Cooking time is 4 minutes, 1 minute stand, 1 minute more cooking. Uncooked, I can already see that the lasagne has been divided into bite sized pieces instead of the usual sloppy sheet. Nothing irregular stands out, it looks not different from the others I have tried. Into the microwave it goes:

 

 It's orange and it looks like barf. The lasagne has the texture of canned spaghetti - a little too soft and soggy. Not too bad so far... The tomato sauce is quite tasty - sweet, slight acidity, not overwhelming. The cheese sauce tastes a little bland, and doesn't really offset the rest of the meal too well - it seems more like it was put there because lasagne "must have cheese". The beef mince is almost non-existent, so what you are left with is soft lasagne pieces, bland cheese sauce and tomato gravy with a small amount of mince and reconstituted onion pieces. As a whole, it's certainly not the worst I've had. Not quite measuring up to Wattie's, I'd say it was maybe only slightly below the signature range offering due to the lack of mince and the wangary texture of the pasta.

I don't have much to say, hell no one's reading this anyway. I don't even think I'll bother with the final verdict today, so here is a picture.

 

 

I'm either extremely brave or extraordinarily stupid ... Or perhaps I do this for the good of the blogosphere, and microwave gourmands the world over! Lady and gentleman, and whomever else may chance to read my brief attempt to alleviate workplace boredom, I present to you:

Dakshin's Lamb Rogan Josh (w/ Rice)

There is scant time for pleasantries or introductions, the beep I just heard alerts me that I  have 1-2 minutes of cooling time before I can eat. Quickly then, "Snack-sized meal of tender lamb in a tangy medium-spiced tomato and onion gravy, served with rice." Is it a snack, or a meal? I don't think it can be both. I shall call it: A sneal!

Uncooked, the meal looked like... at this point I'm sure you can guess. It looked like frozen shit with rice. Ok, let me retrieve my flavoursome bounty from it's nuclear tabernacle. As I anticipated, the meal now resembles liquefied shit. Mmmmmmm...

The aroma is surprisingly pleasant, I can pick out cardamom and the lamb. Is that jasmine? No nevermind it's not on the ingredients list. The rice is slightly better than in the Butter Chicken (see last entry) - the individual grains actually have some texture to them rather than commingling into a gelatinous puddle. The meat seems to have survived the packaging, freezing and reheating process fairly intact - that's two points over the last effort already. I don't know if it's a property of lamb vs chicken but it is much more pleasing to eat. The gravy of the meal is nothing to write home about - a mild tang scintillates the tongue, and the flavours are savoury and salty, fragrant, but still a little bland - not terrible, however. Gone is the overbearing sweetness of the Butter Chicken, and while this is far removed even from a mall curry I find myself enjoying it (relatively speaking).

What more can I say? Dakshin's, you have redeemed yourself (or maybe, time has dulled the aching memory of the last meal I ate from Dakshin's).

Final Verdict

As a microwave meal: 6.5/10

As an actual meal: 3/10

Here we are again with another exciting piece of infotainment that will surely get your tastebuds yodelling. Today I will be reviewing Dakshin's Butter Chicken with Rice (of course, microwaved).
"A snack-sized meal of tender chicken in a creamy tomato sauce, served with rice". 300g, slightly more generous than your average microwave dinner, and there's that word again - tender. We shall see.

Oh boy, doesn't this look delightful?

I had started the cooking process before I even began writing this entry, so I can't tell you what it looked like beforehand. I'll go out on a limb and say "not great". 5 minutes in the microwave, as per usual. How convenient that most microwave foods have a cooking time of exactly 5 minutes - the same number of digits on our hands.  

It smells repugnant, too sweet. The colour of the "meal" is a gradient from one end of the container to the other - white (rice), slightly orangey in the center, to rich toxic orange at the business end of the dish. I count 4 pieces of chicken, and a significant amount of meaty pulp which I'm guessing was also once chicken. It kind of looks like an orange threw up on catfood.

I tepidly take my first bite. The rice is mushy and waterlogged. The sauce itself is far too sweet - it's like someone mixed melted gummies into it. As for the chicken, "tender" was definitely a misnomer seeing as it has the consistency of a rubber eraser. Only two mouthfuls in and I'm ready to throw in the towel. But, alas, I am at work and there is no chance of me leaving to get another meal! Soldiering on...

Dear gods, this is one of the worst things I have had the misfortune of eating. Some of the chicken has grey bits in it, either veins or cancer or something, and it tastes of something I can't quite put my finger on. I wouldn't feed this to a starving ethiopian, let alone eat it as a convenient meal or snack. 

I haven't even finished this meal, I don't know if I am physically capable.

Final Verdict:

Spare a thought for my anus tomorrow.

It's been a while since I last posted - none of the microwave foods have been on special this week, so I have been eating real food. However, I know that my fellow gourmands have been eagerly awaiting my next entry, so in their interest I have purchased my next meal (at full price!).

Yes, I have returned to lasagne, this time Signature Range brand. At full price, this comes out almost $2 cheaper than the Wattie's variety (reviewed previously) and the portion seems far more generous. "Pasta layered with rich minced beef with red wine & a creamy cheese sauce". Red wine huh, that's very sophisticated. My tastebuds stand erect with anticipation. This meal is supposed to contain basil, oregano and nutmeg, so I hope I can actually taste them this time, unlike the Wattie's. 

Cooking time is as per usual 5 mins, 1 minute standing, 2 minutes in the microwave. Prior to being nuked, the Signature Range lasagne is slightly more aesthetically appealing than the Wattie's brand - the cheese looks less plastic and more "fluffy". I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. Still, it looks about as appealing as a bloodied yeast infection.

I feel like I'm looking at a pre-op skin graft. It smells overwhelmingly of beef. Time to tuck in!

The cheese/beschamel on top has a slightly less sharp cheddar flavour than the Wattie's, but it is a little more viscous and creamy. Likewise, the beef and tomato is less acidic and sharp, a little more bland. On my second mouthful I happened to bite into a big hunk of fat. The pasta itself lends nothing to the meal whatsoever, not even an al denté texture to differentiate it from the rest of the "meal". A nice touch are the chopped onions, something I noticed was lacking from the Wattie's brand. 

My main criticism is that the flavour lacks the punch I was hoping for. The tomato sauce tastes more like a generic gravy, and the cheese on top lacks sharpness and definition. If I hadn't pre-seasoned with salt and pepper I dare say that it would be like eating flavourless gruel. In all, while the portion is more generous than that of Wattie's, I don't think the two are worthy of any real comparison. 

Final Verdict:

As a microwave meal: 4.5/10

As an actual meal: 1.5/10

I still have more than half of the dish left to power through, so wish me luck! Until next time...

I've been dreading this all day, but I can't exactly review lasagne every time, can I?

Wattie's Chicken Chow Mein

I can't recall ever eating chow mein, and to be honest I don't even know what it is. The description on the package informs me that it consists of "Tender chicken, vegetables and noodles in an asian style sauce." An asian style sauce, that's helpful I guess. Asia's a pretty big place, with a huge variety of cultures and variation even within the countries themselves. I'm going to take a stab in the dark and assume it's a chinese dish. Let's see what google turns up:

"Chow mein is a Chinese term for a dish of stir-fried noodles, of which there are many varieties."

Right, so again, very helpful. Just calling something "chow mein" and saying it has an asian style sauce is possibly the broadest generalisation in the history of food. Oh well, onto the meal.

250g serving for $2.99, yes please. I'm hoping and praying at this point that it's not going to be as bad as I imagine. Frozen, the "meal" resembles vomit-covered ascariasis, ie a mass of worms. The broccoli is a nice bright shade of green, which is reassuring I guess. I can see cubes of carrot, some green beans, and what I assume is cubes of chicken. I'm not holding out much hope for enjoying this, but we shall see. Cooking time in the microwave is 5-6 minutes on high - seeing as it's chicken I'm dealing with, I'm going to err on the side of caution and nuke it for 6 minutes. 

(Fun frozen chow mein fact: contains oyster sauce)

 Ok so I'm ready to eat but cannot just yet. Let me explain this new principle that I've come up with while working here: 

Any time work is quiet enough that I can prepare and eat a meal, the instant I am about to raise a fork to my lips many customers will come in at once, and the phone will ring. 

I'm not exaggerating when I say this happens every single damn shift.


Ok, I'm ready, there's no one left here. Let's do this. 

The cooked meal doesn't look much different to uncooked, other than that the sauce has now seeped down into the noodles. I must say it smells different than I anticipated - more savoury, when I was expecting sweet. I don't know if it's a Wattie's thing or not, but it smells rather bland to be honest. Is this what chow mein is supposed to be?

The first mouthful doesn't exactly give me much to write about. I can barely pick out any flavour other than soy sauce. There is a hint of sweetness to it, perhaps honey. The noodles are pleasantly plump, better than ramen at least. It's not quite as dreadful as I had anticipated. If I hadn't thrown out the box already I would be checking to see if it contains MSG. I'll try to be more thorough next time.

The chicken tastes ... strange? It almost tastes too much like chicken. I'm suspicious at this point that perhaps the chicken has had flavouring added to mask the low quality. The texture of the chicken is inconsistent in that one piece may be "tender" and the next chewy and stringy. I count five 1cm^2 pieces of chicken - disappointing!

The broccoli literally disintegrates in my mouth, which I'm not too keen on. I guess that's what happens when you freeze, and then nuke it. Beans and carrots are bland, uninspiring. There are a few token pieces of red pepper, but they add nothing to the taste and the texture resembles that of wet tissue. 

So my first chow mein experience could have been worse. I was expecting something more "chinese" tasting - eg ginger, some spice, any kind of kick really, but alas. The hero of this dish is the noodles, they were plump and juicy and absorbed the flavour of the "asian style sauce" quite well. Having said that, the sauce was nothing that any average person could whip up in their kitchen with a bit of soy sauce and honey (and MSG?). 

Final verdict:

As a microwave meal:   5/10

As an actual meal:         2/10

Wattie's Beef Lasagne

Being the critiques of microwave food from a sole charge video store clerk.

As I often dine on microwaved cuisine while at work, and find myself bored more often than not, I have decided to start reviewing my meals.

I start today with "Wattie's Beef Lasagne".

I was hesitant to eat microwave lasagne - could I trust the beef? Would I scald my tastebuds clean off?
I actually had this for the first time yesterday, but for the purposes of this blog I will chronicle and critique this "meal" as it happens - real time!

The packaging is typical Wattie's fare - functional, streamlined, fairly elegant but not a work of art. The description reads "Delicious beef lasagne with tomatoes, basil and a tasty cheese flavored sauce". Cooking time is 5 minutes on high in the holiest-of-holies, the microwave. The back of the packaging informs me that this meal is a good source of protein and lycopene, and will provide me with 1 of my daily servings of vegetables.

Unfortunately I don't have a digital camera available (perhaps in the future!). I would describe the meal's appearance as uninspiring, insipid. It resembles a bleeding piece of plywood with wood shavings haphazardly strewn about the top. Into the microwave:

As much as I respect Wattie's, I still season the lasagne with some salt and fine white pepper from the staff room pantry. As I'm too lazy to wash up later (not to mention not trusting the plates in the staffroom), I will be eating straight from the plastic packaging. Onto the meal itself...

Dear god, what am I thinking. Post-heating, it resembles a quivering mass of undifferentiated somatic cells. The (I'm assuming) beschamel sauce on top has actually bled or sweated some red residue, which I'm assuming has bubbled up from the mince below. The portion itself isn't entirely generous, but at $2.99 I'm not really complaining. It smells rather unassuming, mainly of the white pepper I applied earlier.

My first mouthful makes me wonder if I should have used a spoon, as it more resembles a soup than anything. The tomato sauce is quite acidic, but pleasant enough. Once I manage to get some of the pasta into my mouth along with the cheese/beschamel, tomato sauce and mince it's not actually that bad (Italian mothers and grandmothers everywhere turn in their graves). The cheese tastes rich and sharp, cheddary but nothing spectacular. Combining with the acidity of the tomatoes renders the meal palatable. The "beef" lends nothing to the taste, merely providing a ruminant while I contemplate what I'm doing with my life. The lasagne sheets themselves are floppy and tasteless, barely qualifying as pasta.

I'd have to say that this lasagne, at $3 a pop, is not a bad deal at all. It's fairly tasty, even if the beef and pasta leave alot to be desired. The cheese sauce itself is the highlight of the meal, with the tomato sauce lending some acidity to the flavour that balances out quite well.

Final verdict:

As microwave food: 8/10

As an actual meal:   4.5/10

I do hope you'll join me for the next instalment!