Here we are again with another exciting piece of infotainment that will surely get your tastebuds yodelling. Today I will be reviewing Dakshin's Butter Chicken with Rice (of course, microwaved).
"A snack-sized meal of tender chicken in a creamy tomato sauce, served with rice". 300g, slightly more generous than your average microwave dinner, and there's that word again - tender. We shall see.

Oh boy, doesn't this look delightful?

I had started the cooking process before I even began writing this entry, so I can't tell you what it looked like beforehand. I'll go out on a limb and say "not great". 5 minutes in the microwave, as per usual. How convenient that most microwave foods have a cooking time of exactly 5 minutes - the same number of digits on our hands.  

It smells repugnant, too sweet. The colour of the "meal" is a gradient from one end of the container to the other - white (rice), slightly orangey in the center, to rich toxic orange at the business end of the dish. I count 4 pieces of chicken, and a significant amount of meaty pulp which I'm guessing was also once chicken. It kind of looks like an orange threw up on catfood.

I tepidly take my first bite. The rice is mushy and waterlogged. The sauce itself is far too sweet - it's like someone mixed melted gummies into it. As for the chicken, "tender" was definitely a misnomer seeing as it has the consistency of a rubber eraser. Only two mouthfuls in and I'm ready to throw in the towel. But, alas, I am at work and there is no chance of me leaving to get another meal! Soldiering on...

Dear gods, this is one of the worst things I have had the misfortune of eating. Some of the chicken has grey bits in it, either veins or cancer or something, and it tastes of something I can't quite put my finger on. I wouldn't feed this to a starving ethiopian, let alone eat it as a convenient meal or snack. 

I haven't even finished this meal, I don't know if I am physically capable.

Final Verdict:

Spare a thought for my anus tomorrow.

It's been a while since I last posted - none of the microwave foods have been on special this week, so I have been eating real food. However, I know that my fellow gourmands have been eagerly awaiting my next entry, so in their interest I have purchased my next meal (at full price!).

Yes, I have returned to lasagne, this time Signature Range brand. At full price, this comes out almost $2 cheaper than the Wattie's variety (reviewed previously) and the portion seems far more generous. "Pasta layered with rich minced beef with red wine & a creamy cheese sauce". Red wine huh, that's very sophisticated. My tastebuds stand erect with anticipation. This meal is supposed to contain basil, oregano and nutmeg, so I hope I can actually taste them this time, unlike the Wattie's. 

Cooking time is as per usual 5 mins, 1 minute standing, 2 minutes in the microwave. Prior to being nuked, the Signature Range lasagne is slightly more aesthetically appealing than the Wattie's brand - the cheese looks less plastic and more "fluffy". I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. Still, it looks about as appealing as a bloodied yeast infection.

I feel like I'm looking at a pre-op skin graft. It smells overwhelmingly of beef. Time to tuck in!

The cheese/beschamel on top has a slightly less sharp cheddar flavour than the Wattie's, but it is a little more viscous and creamy. Likewise, the beef and tomato is less acidic and sharp, a little more bland. On my second mouthful I happened to bite into a big hunk of fat. The pasta itself lends nothing to the meal whatsoever, not even an al denté texture to differentiate it from the rest of the "meal". A nice touch are the chopped onions, something I noticed was lacking from the Wattie's brand. 

My main criticism is that the flavour lacks the punch I was hoping for. The tomato sauce tastes more like a generic gravy, and the cheese on top lacks sharpness and definition. If I hadn't pre-seasoned with salt and pepper I dare say that it would be like eating flavourless gruel. In all, while the portion is more generous than that of Wattie's, I don't think the two are worthy of any real comparison. 

Final Verdict:

As a microwave meal: 4.5/10

As an actual meal: 1.5/10

I still have more than half of the dish left to power through, so wish me luck! Until next time...

I've been dreading this all day, but I can't exactly review lasagne every time, can I?

Wattie's Chicken Chow Mein

I can't recall ever eating chow mein, and to be honest I don't even know what it is. The description on the package informs me that it consists of "Tender chicken, vegetables and noodles in an asian style sauce." An asian style sauce, that's helpful I guess. Asia's a pretty big place, with a huge variety of cultures and variation even within the countries themselves. I'm going to take a stab in the dark and assume it's a chinese dish. Let's see what google turns up:

"Chow mein is a Chinese term for a dish of stir-fried noodles, of which there are many varieties."

Right, so again, very helpful. Just calling something "chow mein" and saying it has an asian style sauce is possibly the broadest generalisation in the history of food. Oh well, onto the meal.

250g serving for $2.99, yes please. I'm hoping and praying at this point that it's not going to be as bad as I imagine. Frozen, the "meal" resembles vomit-covered ascariasis, ie a mass of worms. The broccoli is a nice bright shade of green, which is reassuring I guess. I can see cubes of carrot, some green beans, and what I assume is cubes of chicken. I'm not holding out much hope for enjoying this, but we shall see. Cooking time in the microwave is 5-6 minutes on high - seeing as it's chicken I'm dealing with, I'm going to err on the side of caution and nuke it for 6 minutes. 

(Fun frozen chow mein fact: contains oyster sauce)

 Ok so I'm ready to eat but cannot just yet. Let me explain this new principle that I've come up with while working here: 

Any time work is quiet enough that I can prepare and eat a meal, the instant I am about to raise a fork to my lips many customers will come in at once, and the phone will ring. 

I'm not exaggerating when I say this happens every single damn shift.


Ok, I'm ready, there's no one left here. Let's do this. 

The cooked meal doesn't look much different to uncooked, other than that the sauce has now seeped down into the noodles. I must say it smells different than I anticipated - more savoury, when I was expecting sweet. I don't know if it's a Wattie's thing or not, but it smells rather bland to be honest. Is this what chow mein is supposed to be?

The first mouthful doesn't exactly give me much to write about. I can barely pick out any flavour other than soy sauce. There is a hint of sweetness to it, perhaps honey. The noodles are pleasantly plump, better than ramen at least. It's not quite as dreadful as I had anticipated. If I hadn't thrown out the box already I would be checking to see if it contains MSG. I'll try to be more thorough next time.

The chicken tastes ... strange? It almost tastes too much like chicken. I'm suspicious at this point that perhaps the chicken has had flavouring added to mask the low quality. The texture of the chicken is inconsistent in that one piece may be "tender" and the next chewy and stringy. I count five 1cm^2 pieces of chicken - disappointing!

The broccoli literally disintegrates in my mouth, which I'm not too keen on. I guess that's what happens when you freeze, and then nuke it. Beans and carrots are bland, uninspiring. There are a few token pieces of red pepper, but they add nothing to the taste and the texture resembles that of wet tissue. 

So my first chow mein experience could have been worse. I was expecting something more "chinese" tasting - eg ginger, some spice, any kind of kick really, but alas. The hero of this dish is the noodles, they were plump and juicy and absorbed the flavour of the "asian style sauce" quite well. Having said that, the sauce was nothing that any average person could whip up in their kitchen with a bit of soy sauce and honey (and MSG?). 

Final verdict:

As a microwave meal:   5/10

As an actual meal:         2/10

Wattie's Beef Lasagne

Being the critiques of microwave food from a sole charge video store clerk.

As I often dine on microwaved cuisine while at work, and find myself bored more often than not, I have decided to start reviewing my meals.

I start today with "Wattie's Beef Lasagne".

I was hesitant to eat microwave lasagne - could I trust the beef? Would I scald my tastebuds clean off?
I actually had this for the first time yesterday, but for the purposes of this blog I will chronicle and critique this "meal" as it happens - real time!

The packaging is typical Wattie's fare - functional, streamlined, fairly elegant but not a work of art. The description reads "Delicious beef lasagne with tomatoes, basil and a tasty cheese flavored sauce". Cooking time is 5 minutes on high in the holiest-of-holies, the microwave. The back of the packaging informs me that this meal is a good source of protein and lycopene, and will provide me with 1 of my daily servings of vegetables.

Unfortunately I don't have a digital camera available (perhaps in the future!). I would describe the meal's appearance as uninspiring, insipid. It resembles a bleeding piece of plywood with wood shavings haphazardly strewn about the top. Into the microwave:

As much as I respect Wattie's, I still season the lasagne with some salt and fine white pepper from the staff room pantry. As I'm too lazy to wash up later (not to mention not trusting the plates in the staffroom), I will be eating straight from the plastic packaging. Onto the meal itself...

Dear god, what am I thinking. Post-heating, it resembles a quivering mass of undifferentiated somatic cells. The (I'm assuming) beschamel sauce on top has actually bled or sweated some red residue, which I'm assuming has bubbled up from the mince below. The portion itself isn't entirely generous, but at $2.99 I'm not really complaining. It smells rather unassuming, mainly of the white pepper I applied earlier.

My first mouthful makes me wonder if I should have used a spoon, as it more resembles a soup than anything. The tomato sauce is quite acidic, but pleasant enough. Once I manage to get some of the pasta into my mouth along with the cheese/beschamel, tomato sauce and mince it's not actually that bad (Italian mothers and grandmothers everywhere turn in their graves). The cheese tastes rich and sharp, cheddary but nothing spectacular. Combining with the acidity of the tomatoes renders the meal palatable. The "beef" lends nothing to the taste, merely providing a ruminant while I contemplate what I'm doing with my life. The lasagne sheets themselves are floppy and tasteless, barely qualifying as pasta.

I'd have to say that this lasagne, at $3 a pop, is not a bad deal at all. It's fairly tasty, even if the beef and pasta leave alot to be desired. The cheese sauce itself is the highlight of the meal, with the tomato sauce lending some acidity to the flavour that balances out quite well.

Final verdict:

As microwave food: 8/10

As an actual meal:   4.5/10

I do hope you'll join me for the next instalment!